A dear friend of mine once told me that if I started caring what people thought, I would never write another word in my life. Boy, was he right.
When I set out to write this blog, I did it with the intention of giving myself an outlet to write everyday. I was hoping to use this space as a means to hone my own voice, get my weird and crazy thoughts out of my head, and get my creative juices, which had long since dried up, flowing again (gross, but true). This was all going exceedingly well until I made that one carnal mistake – I started to care about what people thought.
The first entry went pretty smoothly as I was simply letting people know that I was going to be writing a blog, and was setting my goals for what I wanted to accomplish in writing said blog. However, after a few, well, rave reviews on how well I wrote the explanation about why I wanted to write a blog, I felt like my next entry had to hold up to those standards. This was despite the fact that I clearly stated in the initial explanation that I promised nothing out of this blog, especially the fact that it would be any good.
However, you and I both know that I never really meant that. Of course I wanted it to be good. In fact, I wanted it to be great! I wanted it to be the blog of all blogs. I wanted to win all sorts of Bloggy Awards, and get written up in Blog Weekly. I had fantasies of Oprah gracing the front page of each entry. I envisioned the E! Network approaching me about making a reality series all about me writing my blog, in which each episode I would come up with a new brilliant and witty idea for a blog entry. Seriously, it was going to be monumental.
Well, needless to say, none of these dreams have materialized (yet). In fact, this approach to what was supposed to be a mere exercise in creativity, ultimately, became destructive. After a few more entries, and a few more rounds of feedback (both positive and negative), it was no longer my own voice flowing out onto the page, but instead, the voice which I assumed people wanted to hear. I became so caught up in creating a voice that people would enjoy reading, that I lost track of the voice with which I actually enjoyed writing. And with that, I was paralyzed.
Let me be clear, I do realize I set myself up for this. As I stated in my first entry, I am more apt to write when I know someone is actually going to read what I have to say. The problem is, this sets up an impossible scenario which never truly allows me to just write for myself. However, at the end of the day, I truly enjoy sharing my thoughts and stories with people, and in return, hearing what they have to say back. I guess it makes the process of sitting behind this computer alone all day a little less, well, lonely. I guess I just have to find a way to have this be a conversation, just like any other. No pressure, no judgment, just talking. Well, just writing.
So, with this rambling little entry, which is more a clarification for myself, than it is an explanation for you, I hope to turn the tide, and allow my words to flow again. What I will say for you (or maybe it’s for me), is that with this new approach, expect to find more meaningless thoughts and random moments from my boring little life, and less sweeping theories on the world at large.
